wounded... again...

whoa... dunno how to start this entry... it's been a difficult day for me... errr i think difficult would really be an understatement... bakit kaya ganon? pag seryoso ako sa relationship palagi ako nasasaktan... as in... wala atang exception yan... masarap magloko pero nakakasawa din... kumbaga ung mga kasayahan na makukuha mo pag di ka seryoso eh pansamantala lang... while if you really try to be serious, ang sarap ng feeling ng nagmamahal... but in general, that's if mahal ka ng taong minamahal mo... as for me... nagmahal ako ng taong walang hiningi na kapalit... towards the start, kala ko mutual feelings namin sa isa't isa... i can still remember ung text nya telling me na ituloy ku lang yung ginagawa ko at makukuha ku na yung gustu ko... parang pangarap nalang yun ngayun... coz as days passed by, nagkaron kame ng maraming pagsubok... di pa man kame... andami ng humahadlang para maging kame... ung isip nya(i must admit, isa yun sa pinakamalaking problema at yun ang main cause ng pag-iyak-iyak ko lately...), masyado kase sya marami iniisip... there was a time na muntik na kame magpart ng ways namin "romantically" kaso i really tried my best and fought hard to save kung anu yung nasimulan namin at meron na kame... at that time, what we have was really shaken... pero i can say it made our bond stronger... lalu na on my part, mas lalu ko pina kita how much i love that person... as in... we were happy... a lot like love, mr. and mrs smith, batman begins, monster-in-law... four movies in one month... hehe, palagi kase kame nanunuod every rest day ko... we were happy(sa pagkakaalam ko), i can somehow feel naman na special ako for him... kahit every weekend, more often than not... may problema twing umuuwi sya... pero naayus everytime na bumabalik sya ng manila from alabang... every problem seemed to have always been straightened out... at last friday, t'was our first month as.... kahit na ano... di din namin alam... and that day was so special for me... sobra... and i thought that will be the good start for us dahil na rin sa isang binigay nya saken... alam nya na gustung-gustu ku yun and i was so happy that night.... i wished that night never ended... at kanina... nagtext sya saken at sabi, andami daw nya tinanong kung ano gagawin nya about "us..." and i said... kelangan ba nya talga ikonsulta sa iba kung anu nararamdaman nya??? at sabi nya... di pa din daw sya sure sa nararamdaman nya saken... baka nga daw di nya ako mahal and it would be unfair me if that would be the case... in short... parang gustu na nyang icut kung anu man meron kame at present... ok... wala ako magagawa kung un ang gustu nya... kase dalawa kame sa kung anu man relationship meron kame... i cant decide for the both us... at yun... tears started to fall... im walking along the sidewalk of ayala ave.. umiiyak... parang gago... nagtetext... saying , ok... kung yun desisyon nya... im letting go na.. kahit di naging "kame.." but that didnt mean na i gave up... di pa din nagbabago feelings ko para sa kanya... ganun ko pa din sya kamahal... but i must say... i can feel not only the pain but the restlessness... parang napapgod nako... di lang sa pagmamahal sa kanya but in general, sa pagmamahal... there's nothin left of me... naibigay ko na lahat sa kanila... im not sure kung may sukli o kapalit, kung meron man, di siguro sapat to keep me goin... at sabi ko sa kanya... if the time comes that i really would give up on us, susubukan ko muna ipahinga ung puso ko... kumbaga sa boxing o wrestling, bugbog na bugbog na yung part na pinakamasakit sayu... kumbaga, sugat na nga... nasugatan na naman... dunno when i can move on... although im not yet planning to... mahal ko sya at kagaya ng sabi ko... di pako naggive up on us kahit sya, give up na... i may have let go of what we have, but i didnt give up... im not ready yet... i'll wait for the right time... my doors are still open para sa kanya... dahil mahal ko sya... and that should be reason enough...