torn...

the past 2 days, aside from working and sleeping and other stuff... most of my times were spent to thinking, thinking, and thinking again... i was contemplating so hard if what i'm doing right now is right or should the question be what i'm feeling at the moment is right... sometimes, for me at least, i find it hard to use my mind when my heart has a lotta questions... i still try to solve them by trusting what and how i feel... because for me, if you're heart is in question, or it has a lot of questions, it would really be hard to dig for reasons... to be rational... haaay.. pati tuloy ako nagugulo habang sinusulat ko toh... ang hirap kase iplaiwanag... cuz until now, when youre at that situation or this kind of situation im on now, it seems that you're lost... you're getting nowhere...

being more concrete and more specific, in my situation, it takes a lot of thinking to do... anu bang dapat gawin? tama ba kung eto gagawin mo? ready ka ba sa mga consequences kung eto gagawin mo?... and a lot more ... yan ung mga tanong na papasok sa isip mo... gugulo sa utak mo... kukuwestyon sa nararamdaman mo... mahirap talaga... concrete? specific? indi pa rin eh... teka... eto na talaga...

hmmm... pag may mahal ka... as in ung totoong meaning ng pagmamahal that you will do everything and anything possible para lumigaya lang sya... kahit masakit sayu... un... halimbawa, mahal na mahal mu un tao... kaso di alam nung tao na yun kung mahal ka nya talaga o kung ano totoo nararamdaman nya sayu... di mu alam kung natatakot sya masaktan ka or kung natatakot sya masaktan in the future... kase kung natatakot sya masaktan ako, i think it will be unfair for me kase he's deciding for my future... kase, kung ngayun ako tatanungin, i really don't care kung masaktan nya ako in the future... nasa amin naman yun eh kung sasaktan namin ung isa't isa sa hinaharap di ba? well if it's, otherwise o kung natatakot sya masaktan, i can guarantee that person naman na mamahalin ko sya till i can... or should i say kahit di ko na kaya, susubukan ko pa din kayanin kase nga mahal ko sya...

the options now are: to let go, to wait for a decision, or to wait for yourself to reach your saturation point, ung kumbaga, nailabas mo na lahat ng kaya mo, naibigay mu na lahat ng posibleng bagay pero wala pa din... di ko alam kung ano tamang gawin... o pwede din to suggest or propose an idea... ung parang experimental o test lang... (explain ko later...)

unang option: if i let go... sobrang sakit para saken... as in... kase ngayun, wala na talaga ako "extra curricular".. as in... sa kanya na halos umiikot ang mundo ko... pero kung dun sya magiging masaya. tatanggapin ko... naiisip ko kase minsan, kaya sya mas madalas depressed e kase dumadagdag pako sa mga iniisip nya... hayyy... kakaiyak naman...

2nd option: kung hihintayin ku decision nya... maaring masaktan ako, maari din naman maging masaya... if he wants me to stay to be his friend, masakit yun kase yun lang mai-ooffer nya pero dahil mahal ko sya, iaaccept ko yun... pero sabi nga, feelings are not like open wounds that heals fast(unless may diabetes ka)... kaya until di pako nakakamove on in case that would be the case, di ko pa kaya makita or makasama sya... BUT if the choice iss to risk it all up for the both of us, i'd really be the happiest peron on earth... hehehe... mejo cheesy, but the hell i care... mahal ko sya eh...

3rd option: mahalin ku sya till i can and till i cant... kumbaga, eto ung martir type... mejo tanga talaga pero anu magagawa mo... mahal ko eh...

4th option: magsuggest ng way para maresolve lahat ng problema..
4A (positive approach)-> like going on a trial or experimental relationship for a few weeks or for a month... then if it doesnt work out then siguro it wont really work out for the two of us... but at least we tried di ba?

4B (negative approach)-> yun bang tipong one week trial na walang communication para subukan yung feelings nyo... if ull miss each other like hell... o kung makikipagdate ka sa iba... or kung gagawa ka ng kagaguhan o magmumukmok ka for the whole time na wala kayung communication... parang at the end, malalaman nyu kung anu dapat gawin...

i lay down all the options and now... time na para pumili sa mga option.. as for me, pipiliin ko is the last option kase un ung positive way o approach dun sa prob... kaso yun nga lang... baka sabihin nyu naman saken lang pabor... pero if u will look at it postively, yun talaga eh... i wont try the negative approach... nakaktakot eh, not for me but for the other person.. kase baka magising ka nalang kinabukasan, mas malayo na sya sa sayu... or worse, wala na sya when you wake up...

haaay.. ang sarap magmahal, pero mahirap din.. but i think that's what makes love mysterious... alam mu na na masakit.. gustu mu pa din magtry... because there's always hope that at the end, you'll live happily with your significant other...

comment naman kayu sa entry ko... ok? thanks... God Speed!